There is no easy way around it, miscarriages are hard. The loss of a pregnancy can be absolutely devastating, and it can be a long, rough road recovering from it. If you’re on the outside looking in, with a friend experiencing a miscarriage, you might be having a hard time figuring out how you can be there for her and support her. You might feel unsure about what you can say without hurting her further, or what you can do without getting in her way as she’s healing. The absolute best thing you can do for a friend going through a miscarriage is try to figure out what she needs the most, whether it’s space, comfort, kind words or a simple gift, and stick with that. Here’s a guide to supporting someone after a miscarriage.
What Can I Say?
If your friend is the type to need comforting words, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to hear her out, here are some of the best ways to navigate the hard time.
Acknowledge her. This one is often overlooked, but many loved ones will skirt the issue or avoid it altogether. This will only make her feel worse, as she’ll try to make you more comfortable and avoid talking about it, as well as making her feel like you don’t see her loss. Instead, acknowledge that something terrible and tragic has happened, and let her know that you’re here while she grieves. Let her know she can take as long as she needs.
Treat her normally. Hand in hand with the above, don’t talk to her differently than you normally would. After acknowledging her loss, make sure you spend the same time with her as normal, check in with her as often as normal and so on. Especially when coping with such loss, no one wants to feel uncomfortable around those they love.
What Can I Do?
If your friend’s not much of a talker, there are a few ways you can help her out while also keeping your hands busy.
Provide meals. Just as after a funeral, your friend won’t feel like doing much of anything — much less keep her house running in perfect order. Offer to bring some pre-cooked or freezer meals by to get her through the first weeks, invite her to your home for dinner or have some food delivered to her. You’ll be able to give her the motivation to eat and take care of herself, without asking her to do any work when she needs to grieve.
Send flowers. Flowers can be a beautiful and sensitive way to express your condolences to someone. Whether she’s at home or still in the hospital, a pretty bouquet can do wonders in brightening even the smallest part of her day. It’s also nice to know your loved ones are thinking of you and supporting you as you go through it.
Other Things to Consider
Now that you’ve been able to decide how you can be there for your sweet friend during her hard time, there are a few things you should keep in mind as time goes on.
Give her time to heal. Healing from a miscarriage isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of situation. Each mama is going to take a different amount of time to heal, and it has to be up to her. It can make it so much harder on her if she feels pressured by those around her to “get better quicker.” Instead, let her know that she can take all the time she needs — you’re still there to support her.
Honor her loss. Nothing is worse for a grieving mother than having those around her not acknowledge that she lost her baby, or to pretend it never happened as the years go by. Make sure you let her know you’re thinking of her as special dates go by — the due date, the anniversary of the miscarriage and so on. Remember that she has to live with it, and be there to help her cope.
No matter what, your friend is going to need some time to grieve and heal properly. However, as her loved one and support system, the more you can be there for her, the more taken care of and supported she’ll feel.